FAMILY

Spiralling

I remember the last time my mom had a mental breakdown. Every time my mom has one of those, she always scares me. This time I hear from down stairs yelling and things being thrown. I rush downstairs and see my mom on the ground face down crying her eyes out. Papers on the floor yelling "I'm so tired". I take my mom's hands and try to get her up but she still remains there on the ground. My first instinct was to yell at my dad because he always causes her breakdowns. But when it's you're fault, you feel like you're spiralling down. My mom slaps my hands away and tells me I should go live out of the house. That was the first time my heart shattered. I quickly went upstairs and packed my things and as I was heading out the door, my first thought was "where to go". I have never felt so disappointed in myself. That this was my fault my mom was so tired. I never wanted to hurt her, but just to make her understand how I feel. Living in this household, we don't really talk about our feelings. I guess it's just weird because we don't know how to confront them. I guess that's what's bothered me my whole life. That one time I express how I feel, all of a sudden it's my fault. As I try to escape to the house at 11pm, I hold my backpack and stand there. "How can everything turn to crap in just two days". 

If you're reading this mom, I am sorry. I really am, and seeing you hurt, hurts me way more than I could imagine. Sorry we didn't grow into the household that could talk about our feelings or deal with confrontation. Just letting you know, I am so blessed to have you in my life. Please don't run away from what we have. We've been through worse, and I don't want to end up there again. 

It'll be okay, I pray it will.

- April