LOVE

Journal Entry #1: Learning to let go

What's really funny about this is that I've actually never had a real "breakup" nor was I in a real relationship. However, I do know what it feels to be heart broken.

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When we met, I didn't think of him that way. I actually thought he was like a "little brother" to me because he was younger. It's not like I like younger boys, I just happened to fall in love with one. You can't help with who you fall in love with. Getting to know him more though, I realized he was everything I prayed to God for. He was smart, handsome, athletic, faithful, family orientated.. etc. He eventually told me he liked me and I knew that I liked him. I saw God in everything he did which made me fall in love more. He'll probably never read this, but even to this day I still appreciate him.

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Despite him being perfect, I felt my imperfections were hindering his growth as a person, but I was too blinded by love to see that. I was weighing him down. I knew that I was too much for him. I put too many expectations upon him and pressured him to be my boyfriend, even though I knew he wasn't ready or scared of the commitment. But when he told me those words "I can't do this anymore". I knew it was time to let go but my eager 18 year old self didn't want to. 

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It was hard. He still wanted to be friends, but I knew it would be too hard for me. I thought I would be okay with "ex's can be friends" but, it was just heartbreaking every time I saw him knowing that he wasn't mine.

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I was hurt for two years and little did I know that 18 year old April was filled with bitterness and hurt. I couldn't open myself to others and I was constantly feeling that "I wasn't good enough". I felt awful everyday and when I looked in the mirror, I hated what I saw. In the process, I hurt a lot of people while learning to let go but, I mostly ended up hurting and hating myself.

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Two years later, I finally had the courage to talk to him. It was after a major car accident (another blog post), that I made me realize that I need to talk to him. Life is too short to hold onto bitterness and hate. He forgave me and acted as if nothing had happened, which was relieving but, also kinda heartbreaking. I had this weight lifted off me and I regained my best friend back. I got the closure I needed. He was still the same person I left behind and I realized that God was telling me it wasn't my time and this wasn't the right person. He was and still is, an amazing brother of Christ. I've grown a lot though this experience and everyday I am so proud of him.

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To whoever is reading this, remind yourselves that it'll be okay. Someone out there is waiting for you and enjoy being single even when you're surrounded by couples all the time (trust me, I third-wheel like its a hobby). You'll be in my prayers if you're going through times of trial. Breakups suck and I know, but it's part of life and something to look back on when you're married and have children down the road (my goal in life, pls Lord lol). If you need to let those feelings out do it! Cry and don't feel ashamed. It is more healthy to let it out than to keep it bottled up. Find a friend or even your parents to let out your feelings. Your feelings are valid and never ever let someone determine what you feel. You may hurting now, but I trust that you'll be okay through time.

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- April :)

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